Âé¶čŽ«Ăœ

When Joss Kang and I designed and facilitated the Education Training Foundation-commissioned ‘Innovation Workshop’ for leaders in November 2023, we titled it: ‘Thinking Differently for Culture and Systems Change’. The session gathered leaders who were interested in doing different things, rather than just doing the same things differently.

We framed the day with Thinking Environment founder Nancy Kline’s short article ‘Do What Works’ and included a range of activities. Interestingly, the aspect of the event participants told us they found most useful considered a subject that is often at the crux of change: challenging conversations and how to have them.

Agreeing Disagreeably

Alistair Campbell and Rory Stewart coined this term when they began podcasting together. When they began ‘The Rest is Politics’ they came together over a political ‘divide’ which was falsely constructed along the lines of our bipartisan political system here in the UK. Rory is a former Conservative MP and Alistair was Labour Prime Minister Tony Blair’s Head of Communications. They do not always agree (though they have more in common than you’d think), but if you’re a regular listener you will probably have been fascinated to observe them learning to disagree agreeably. Recently, they featured the ‘renegade economist’  in conversation and they were – and have since been – openly conflicted, agreeing with her in principle yet unable to see any political solution. It’s a good example of a challenging conversation.

Generous Assumptions

BrenĂ© Brown writes and talks about generous assumptions, in her book ‘Atlas of the Heart’,  and in this New Yorker article. In fact, Brené’s entire output, including her leadership work, is essential reading if we are to do the work on ourselves to enter into brave conversations with the openness and vulnerability needed. The philosopher Bernard Williams wrote about “fetishes of assertion” – taking up a position and then defending it. BrenĂ© would call that an ‘armoured’ encounter, which benefits no-one.

Radical Candour

The American spelling (‘candor’) jars but as a model for brave communication Kim Scott’s Radical Candour framework says it all in just one image:

To be radically candid – to have brave conversations – means balancing ‘challenging directly’ and ‘caring personally’. You can see what happens in the other three quadrants. Both ‘ruinous empathy’ and ‘manipulative insincerity’ are what BrenĂ© Brown refers to as “the near enemy” – collegiate on the face of it but doing damage, nonetheless. We are not advocating for ‘obnoxious aggression’ or any form of directly abusive attack, but at least we have HR processes in place to directly deal with those. ‘Near enemy’ behaviour is trickier to detect and call out. Radical candour has echoes of Brené’s belief that “clear is kind”.

Kim has both a book and a podcast, but I certainly found that the image was all I needed to embed radical candour into my life, which I did a couple of years ago. It led to a few brave conversations! And I made changes to who I had around me: awkwardly sometimes, kindly but incisively too. I’m a great believer in the fact that we can almost always be kind, and if we are not kind, we can apologise (see below).

Tender Conversations

Kathryn Mannix is a palliative care doctor so, as you might imagine, tender conversations are the backbone of her practice. Her book ‘Listen’ is a magnificent read. I’ve chosen a  to introduce you to her work.

Susan Cain’s work has a similar vibe and is particularly relevant for those of us who hate conflict and can be introspective. Her books ‘Quiet’ and ‘Bittersweet’ have helped me to do the work on myself to prepare for some very brave conversations indeed.

Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

Finally, to practical approaches for brave conversations. If you are wanting to discuss something challenging as a group, the familiar practices of the  (which also has a specific, facilitated conflict resolution application called Timed Talk), ÌęČčČÔ»ćÌę all have common approaches and a lot to offer.

But when it comes to one-on-one, nothing beats Non-Violent Communication. Founded by Marshall J Rosenberg in the 1960s, it has been effective in situations from couples guidance to warring countries and it has stood the test of time. I’ve done a very brief introductory screencast , but approach with caution and take time to practise.

Non-Violent Communication (NVC) is basically a sentence structure, so it’s brilliant for when you’re tempted to bash out a salty email and equally great person-to-person, once you’ve got a bit of fluency. Essentially, you make an observation (this is very precise and harder than it seems, because you have to keep it free from assumption), say how it makes you feel (which involves more precision; do the work on extending your feelings vocabulary), then make a connection between that feeling with a need that is not being met. Finally make a request to help both of you move on. Along the way you continue to ‘do the work on yourself’ by resisting the ‘jackal’ voices in your head. Marshall and his team refer to the NVC voice as ‘giraffe’ (there were puppets on my training course; which weren’t for me, but you might love them and there are plenty of trainers in the UK).

When you use NVC, the other person doesn’t have to know it too. Essentially, you are de-escalating tension, to enable a less defensive and more vulnerable conversation to happen.

Marshall passed away a few years ago, but the  is still going strong. The books and resources are good, and you can find local trainers too. They also publish inventories of ‘Feelings Words’ and ‘Values Words’ which are super-helpful in developing a precise vocabulary which better articulates what you need from the conversation.

Saying Sorry

Sometimes we are not kind, sometimes we are thoughtless or clumsy in the moment and sometimes we hurt people without intent. Apology involves forgiveness on both sides (including forgiving yourself) and a willingness to move on. I make no apology (see what I did there?) for once again referencing BrenĂ© Brown’s ‘Unlocking Us’ podcast, where she recorded a two-parter with  about saying sorry which is well worth a listen.

Reflections

Coming together in a focused physical space feels like a luxury these days and it’s fair to say that for the purposes of building communities of practice we’d have loved more people to come along in November. It felt precious indeed to think together in the physical space without the distractions of home and office. We’d love to gather with you more.

That’s why we’ll be running an online version of the workshop on Friday 8 March, offered in two time slots: 9.30am to 12.30pm and 1.30 to 4.30pm.  for either session. Like the face-to-face session, they will be practical, disciplined, eye-opening, thought-provoking, curious and caring.